There is something I need to say to a lot of people, but couldn’t possibly do it individually for lack of ability to take on that emotional toll at the moment.
I want everyone who knew me all my life or since early childhood that it is not your fault for not knowing things were as bad as they were. Mom, Dad… it is not your fault. To all my family and closest friends… it is not your fault.
There is nothing anybody could have done for me because I wasn’t ready for help. I wasn’t ready to let people in. In many ways, I’m still not, but I’m getting better at it. I tried SO HARD to hide my demons and issues for fear of burdening those closest to me that not picking up the signs isn’t a testament to your ignorance, but rather a testament to my diligence. I became so good at hiding away my problems I could teach a 10 week course. It’s part of the reason I’m able to detect a lot of people’s problems when they think they are doing a good job at hiding it. Ask yourself, have I ever caught you off guard by my first response when I see you being “what’s wrong?” and followed it with “it’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it, but if I need to beat anybody you let me know.” I see people hiding things like I’m reading a book. I’ve also never lost the ability to hide my demons away like an expert, and it’s taking everything I’ve got to get this message out.
I firmly believe that part of my “draw” is the fact that I am and always will be a broken person. No matter how hard I kid myself, I will always have a driving spirit in me similar to “Ghost Rider.” I carry what feels like super human abilities at times and with it comes the curse of knowing what I know and feeling what I feel. I just so happen to do good with those super human abilities that tend to wreck me at times. The end result with what drives me though is so unequivocally positive that I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world. It’s because of the fact that I went through what I did in the MANNER that I did it that gives me the ability to do what I do now. Essentially, I look at what I went through as training to fight the overwhelming fight of helping people just like me not be just like me anymore.
I liken it to when a world ranked computer hacker decides to use his skills to help out “the good guys” rather than implement anarchic destruction. He wouldn’t be able to do the work of good without knowing the trials and tribulations of evil. I am that computer hacker. Now, had someone caught on to how truly broken I really was, I wouldn’t have been made into the person I’ve been molded into. It was necessary no one saw the forest through the trees… Had I been seen for weaknesses, I wouldn’t have discovered the strength that I found. I wouldn’t have honed and crafted the skills necessary to fight something I will always feel is bigger than myself or any other human being.
Heroes die, but ideas are bullet proof. I’m no hero, just a lost soul who doesn’t want to be lost anymore. I am someone who just so happens to have an idea so bullet proof that it might as well have been crafted from coal into diamonds with the amount of time this revolution has been building. The reason what I stand for is spreading like wildfire is because I am FAR from the only one who feels this way, I just happen to have the ability to articulate it in such a way it’s impossible to NOT resonate with people. I have the ability to showcase a message that opens up new pathways in your brain you either didn’t know existed or blocked out years ago. Not even I’M quite sure how I do it, but the important thing is I KNOW what I’m able to do and would never question it.
Coming full circle, I wouldn’t have these traits and talents without going through what I went through in the manner that I did. I guess the really powerful underlying point is that if you are one of those people saddened by the fact that you didn’t see my pain… Smile. Smile really wide. Understand you were part of the Universes master plan. You were an integral puzzle piece to the fate that has us all here, where we are now, with nothing but the stars as our limit.
As for my demons I’m good at hiding… Just know that I will ALWAYS be a work in progress. The beauty of life is also the struggle in it… Self re-invention and introspect are perpetual and vital. The beauty is you are never done fixing yourself. The struggle is I couldn’t think of anything harder than fixing yourself.
If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that as hard as it is to fix yourself, it would be harder knowing that I could help out so many by putting my issues out like an examination table yet choosing to keep it hidden inside. I’m not perfect, and although I accept that to the fullest it doesn’t mean there isn’t ALWAYS more work to do on yourself. If working on myself publicly as well as privately helps even ONE other person conquer metaphorical mountains they never thought were possible, well then I have lived a life worthy of legacy. It doesn’t matter who the person is or how “big” the new found successes are, if ONE person is able to help themselves through my openness of struggles, then mission accomplished. You plant a positive seed, you get a positive flower. When that flower blossoms, it drops more seeds beside it until you go from a square foot of foliage to a full field in bloom.
You get the results people don’t get by doing the work people don’t do. If it were easy, it wouldn’t be special. We are defined not by our successes, but our triumphs over pitfalls. You’ve got to want it more than anything, because anything can stop you. To dig is to live with spirit, to put the shovel down is to die slowly. We all have a choice. I made my choices. Not all of them have been right, but I have learned from every one of them and challenge you to read me like a book until you can’t put the book down. Trust me, this all is just the first chapter of many. There are going to be several sequels, only contradictory to the standard rule with sequels, each succeeding one will be just as special as the one before it, even if it’s not as “good.”
Thank you for reading. This has been hard yet necessarily therapeutic to write with my life taking a suddenly slightly (more than) overwhelming turn. It has been weighing heavily on my mind ever since I came out with how hard things really were for me how to discuss it with the people who need to that they did everything right. I love you for that. If there is anything you see in me or with what I have done that you are proud of, please know you are an integral part of that beyond words. There is a piece of our journey tattooed on my weathered heart that is exactly as it should be. That is reason to rejoice, not wonder “how did I miss it… I wish I could have stopped it…”
To wrap it up, I’m not unique in how I am an expert in hiding my problems. I’m unique in not only admitting it but shouting it to the world with a megaphone. I’ve literally permanently scarred my vocal chords from screaming at the top of my lungs what I’ve been through in the hopes it helps others. I just took some time to get there…
I love you. Be sad no more. Rejoice in the good things that have come and are still on the horizon. There is a whole world to be changed out there, and that’s what I’m focusing on. You’re either a participator or spectator, but in any case it’s happening… The Rebellion is here, and the soldiers are growing by the day. We are change. We are the future of a better humanity. It IS as big of a fucking deal as that sounds. This is NOT a hyperbole. We are going to change the world.
Humanity needs more heart, and we’re going to give it that and so much more.
Welcome to the Rebellion.